Learning to Draw?

Puppypush

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 03:53:04 GMT

In the last few days, Syd has added a feature to her Black Furry Alarm Clock functionality.

After the licking, snorting, and a sneeze or two, she put her head down and pushed me towards the edge of the bed. I swear, I'm pretty sure that's what she was doing.

Good thing for me she's not a Newfoundland or a Great Dane or something...

Fallibility and the nature of divinity

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 19:34:41 GMT

So my good friend ishbu_alv got me thinking with her comment on a post of mine. The post is about how those who view God as infallible (Christian fundamentalists, in this case) may also be prone to attribute certain events to God's intentions (a snowstorm in DC to prevent the Senate healthcare bill from passing, in this case). And the point was, if they say "God made a snowstorm to prevent the healthcare bill from passing," and the healthcare bill passes, then they just made their infallible God fallible. ishbu_alv commented that she has no problem with God being fallible.

Which got me thinking. Now, let me preface this by saying that whatever I write here (and I'm not certain exactly what I'll write) is not a rebuttal of her comment and by extension her belief or opinion. For all I know I might end up agreeing with her; I'm pretty much thinking out loud about this subject. Either way, it doesn't matter if we hold the same concept of Deity or not. Also, it's nothing more than a slightly humourous coincidence that I ended up posting this on Christmas Day.

I was an atheist until I was 31. Not rabid, I think, but I had very definite and very strong opinions about religion and about "God." I still hold a number of those opinions. By the time I was thirty or so, I had separated my opinions of religion from my opinions about the existence of a god -- which, I think, some atheists never manage -- and recognized the good as well as the bad that resulted from organized religion. As an aside, there is some truth to the stereotypical "angry atheist"... the person who is angry at God and so calls themselves an atheist. I've met some of these people. However, with a minimal application of logic, it becomes apparent that they aren't true atheists, they're just pissed-off Christians (or whatever other religion). It's logically impossible to be pissed at an entity that you do not believe exists.

In any case, I'm not an atheist now. That story is for another time. The point is that many of the beliefs I held as an atheist have informed my spiritual beliefs. That is not a contradiction. I actually look at it as a gift. Having viewed religion and spirituality from the "outside," I feel that it's been easier for me to step back and contemplate the larger picture. I'm not saying that I'm any more able to do that than anyone else, just that I think for me to get there took less struggle, self-examination, and dealing with inculcated views. I consider myself fortunate that I was raised more or less "secular" (though maybe not intentionally so), and that I have the years of experience of examining religious and spiritual ideas as an observer and analyzer, with no investment in a particular religious or spiritual belief system.

As an aside (and I think there's going to be several of those in this post), I'm not trying to suggest that people of any particular spiritual belief are incapable of looking at religion and spirituality as a whole, nor of finding value in all religions. I do think that people raised in a certain belief system are more likely to find it an effort to get there. This depends, of course, upon how they were raised in a belief system. You can be raised to respect all belief systems. However, if you were raised to believe that one worldview is literal truth, then it will be very difficult to arrive at a worldview that includes the idea that other belief systems are also valid paths to Deity. Let me say that this includes Atheism. That is as much a spiritual belief system as any other. As I said, I was raised secular -- there was no meaningful discussion in my family about God or any spiritual belief system. I became an atheist on my own. There's a difference between being raised secular and being raised Atheist.

Okay, anyway, on to the actual point, if indeed I have one.

I'm a monotheist. I believe that different people have different conceptions of Deity. I also believe that Deity can present many different aspects -- male and female, for example. This depends upon the perceiver and what aspect that human chooses to focus on. So, I'm okay with, say, the Hindu system that has fuck-knows how many gods and goddesses, and I'm okay with the Muslim system of Allah being the one God. But either way, I am compelled to believe that all of the Hindu deities, as well as the Muslim Allah, are aspects of the same being, not separate entities.

I am compelled to believe this because I believe there can only be one Creator. Whatever the creation may be -- whether it occurred with the Big Bang, or whether it was before then (and, with the Big Bang theory, it's conceivable that the entire universe that we know is just one big-ass vacuum flux, and not singular but one of many), there can only be one Originator. Some people say that such is not necessarily so; there could have been two beings that created the universe. But to me, two beings implies a previously extant framework. Did one being create the other? Or were they both created by another being? Or have the two always existed together and always will? That last is a difficult concept for me. Actually, it's a new idea which I just now hit while writing this. The question, then, would be that if more than one eternal being can exist, how many are there? And are they all "equal" in "power" and scope? And if they are, would that just make them parts of an existing whole?

I suppose that I view the universe as a whole as Deity. Possibly not the entirety of Deity, but as part of Deity. That would be the immanent Deity. Though I also practice the belief in a transcendent Deity. If you pray, you're relating to a transcendent entity. If Deity is the universe, then there can be no other being. And, following the Deity as the universe, then Deity cannot be fallible. Here's why:

In order for something to be fallible, it must be subject to the laws of nature. If an entity thinks an action will produce a particular result, but it produces a different result, there must be a reason. If there is a reason, then that reason follows laws. If that reason follows laws, then the entity is subject to those laws. So the only way for an entity to be infallible is for it to not be subject to natural laws. Or... and this is a major point... for it to be natural law. Which the immanent Deity would be.

So I see two possibilities. Either the universe is a part of Deity (though not necessarily the entirety of Deity), or Deity exists outside the universe. If Deity exists outside the universe, that is as a separate entity, then do we have a Deist, clockwork universe, or a universe in which Deity takes an active part and interest? If it's Deist, well, save your breath praying. Not gonna help. At least prayer in the commonly understood sense. If it's an active Deity, however, it must, by being active, be outside natural law. Even on a quantum level. If you influence random quantum events, then they're no longer random, and thus what you're doing is outside natural law (at least as it's understood now).

Prayer. As I referenced above, I think the common conception of praying is asking for something (hell, looking at the sentence structure of a lot of prayers I've heard, they're actually in the imperative...). But I think that can be a fairly simplistic understanding of the purpose of prayer. Prayer, as such, is communication with Deity. To communicate with something is to bring you closer to it, to acknowledge and internalize the reality of its being. I think if you go into it with that view, you get more out of it. Praying, as I said above, is acknowledging a transcendent Deity. And a transcendent Deity, by my reasoning, would be outside natural laws. And if it's outside natural laws, then it must be infallible.

So what to do with a fallible Deity? For me, then, that fallible entity would not be a Deity. It would be a being which came to exist according to natural law. Maybe a more "powerful" being, possibly a being which is the result of "more" evolution, but a natural being nonetheless. Not, then, divine. Though really, I find now that the divine part doesn't enter into the argument, since, according to the Merriam-Webster definition of "divine," using that word would lead us straight into a circular argument (if, indeed, that is possible). Anyway, a fallible entity, being a product of nature, could not be Deity as defined above. Worshiping it would be the equivalent of an ant worshiping a human. Could it bring you closer to the entity on some level? Probably. Would it bring you closer to the Creator? I'm doubtful. And you can ask it for anything, but anything it grants you will be limited by its ability to operate within the laws of nature.

That's what I've got for now. There's so many points and possibilities within this discussion that bear addressing, and several things I can see which I need to develop and further refine, explain better, or take other possibilities into consideration. And, like I said, I'm pretty much thinking out loud here. No second drafts or anything like that. Anyway, I think I'm done typing for awhile.

arf.

The Cat Switch

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 07:14:55 GMT

I was on the phone the other night. My cat was meowing at me. A lot. Loudly. Insistently.

*meow meow MEOW meow MEOWMEOWMEOW*

It's hard to have a conversation when you're the target of such feline castigation. So I'm talking to my friend: "yeh, okay, and ... hey, hold on a second, could ya?....What? You have food, I cleaned your litter, you have water, for the love of god, what?.... oh, sorry, my cat won't stop meowing at me."

*MEOWmeow meow meow MEOWMEOW meow*

"Yeh, I know, I can hear her. She wants petted."

*MEOOOWW meow meowmeowmeeeeoow MEOW*

"Really? Well, okay..."

*MEOWMEOWMEOWMEO-*

I start petting her:
*pet pet pet*

*... ... ... *

"Wow, you're right. It's like turning off a switch."

*pet pet pet*

*... ... ... *

As an experiment, I stop petting her.

*meowmeowmeowmeow*

*pet pet pet*

*... ... ... *

*stop petting*

*meow meowMEOWmeow*

*pet pet pet*

*... ... ...*

"Wow, that's amazing. Thanks for the advice."

Learn something new every day.

The Black Furry Alarm Clock

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 07:03:12 GMT

I have several alarm clocks. The clock radio, which I set for 6.30 on weekdays. Then the phone, which I set for 6.28 and 6.35 on weekdays (I want to be sure that I get up for work, y'know).

Then there's the Black Furry Alarm Clock. That would be Sydney the Dog. The thing about the Black Furry Alarm Clock is that I don't set it. She pretty much sets herself. She can decide that I need to get up anywhere between 6am and 7am, or, on a weekend 5am to noon. In fact, it was 6am this morning.

Here's how the Black Furry Alarm Clock works:

Syd:
*lick*
Daddy, you up?
*lick*
Hey, Daddy.
*lick*
Daddy, you awake?

Me:
"Erf? Arrerr... wha?"

Syd:
*lick snort lick nosepoke*
Daddy, time to get up. I gotta pee.
*lick, paw*

Me:
"Uhm...whatimzit?" *roll, cover-pull*

Syd:
*sticks her head under the covers*
*lick*
Time to get up, Daddy. Pee. Breakfast.

Me:
"Yeeef... errrr...yokay...I'z gettinup..."

Syd:
"lick*
Come on, Daddy...
*sticks her head under the covers some more, then pushes them back*

Me:
"Izgoodgirl... okay... hangonz"

Syd:
Daddy, up time...
*sneezes while her head is still under the covers*

At which point I'm pretty much awake. I challenge anyone on the planet to sleep through being sneezed on by a dog.

When she realizes that I am, in fact, going to get up, she does the happy Dog thing and rolls around on her back snorting and sneezing. I love my puppydog. And if it's a weekend, I can always go back to bed after taking her out and giving her breakfast.

aarrrrgh

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 04:37:01 GMT

So when I'm writing in Rich Text mode and I try to paste something, nothing happens. I switch over to HTML and paste it then switch back. Back in Rich Text mode, everything looks as it should.

But then when I post it, all my damn line breaks are gone and I've got this great big block o' text. I have to edit the post and put the line breaks back in.

What am I doing wrong here?

arf

If you're gonna speak for God...

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 04:31:28 GMT

... then ya might wanna think a bit first.

Let me preface this by saying that it's not about Christians or Christianity, or any particular religion. It's a general observation of -- and question to -- a particular type of person.

There's a few people out there who were enjoying the DC snowstorm on a throwing-the-metaphorical-snowball-with-the-rock-in-it level.

Erick Erickson over at RedState (nope, not gonna link to it, but here's the Media Matters link) was thinking that Tony Perkins and the Family Research Council's "pray-in" to stop healthcare reform was working because DC had a snowstorm:

"... God hates the Democrats' health care deform. With funding death panels and abortions, of course the Almighty would send a snow storm or, in Brian's words, a snowpocalypse to shut down Washington."

Well, that didn't work. So, the observation -- the question -- is that if you claim that God sent a snowstorm to stop healthcare, then healthcare passes... did God fail? 'Cause if you're right, then God failed. Kinda fucks with your fundamentalism a bit, doesn't it?

When humans speak for God, then God becomes fallible.

Just sayin'

Band-aid?

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 04:09:08 GMT

So I got invited to be the bass player in a band. They really need a bass player LOL. Went to practice Friday. Fortunately, my amp wasn't powerful enough so they couldn't really hear me. Half-joking. Bass is definitely not my primary instrument, but I can pick it up fairly easily, I think, since my primary instrument is the guitar.

The prospect of actually being in a band is weird. I've played/written music for 27+ years, and somehow never joined or formed a band. My real desire is to form my own band, because a.) I have my own, somewhat unusual, musical ideas, and b.) I'm by nature a front-man. Not that I have an ego that can't deal with being in the background, but I'm definitely the front-man personality type.

Anyway, I'm not thinking it's a for-sure definite that I'll be asked to permanently join the band (though Friday night it kinda sounded like I already had been), because my bass technique needs, shall we say, some work. But I was able to pick up and follow most of the parts of the songs they were doing.

Should be interesting. I think this may be part of that more active life that I was thinking I needed to start leading.

Update: I just got a line on what could be an excellent guitar/bass amp for relatively cheap. So next practice they might be able to hear me play. The pressure is on... heh.

River

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 07:45:12 GMT

So, I went from work to my first band practice (assuming I'm invited to any after that, which I probably will be but ya never know... the whole band thing is another post, anyway). I work off Elm Hill Pike near the airport, and the practice was in East Nashville. I was looking on my iPhone for the best way to get there. I kept seeing streets that went in the right direction, but then stopped. 'Cause there was a river in the way.

Now, I lived in Nashville for a couple years before I realized there even was a river around here. And when I ran into it on the map today, it was an unexpected inconvenience. Which got me thinking. There's a reason that the major cities are, for the most part, near or on rivers. A fresh water supply is the first and main requirement of any settlement. You just couldn't have a town or city of any size without a body of water. But now, I think, most of us aren't even aware of bodies of water in the way that our ancestors were. From an actual conversation I had in which I discovered the existence of the Cumberland River: "What, there's a river in Nashville? Where? Oh, yeh, I heard there was a Riverfront Park." And hearing that, my mind pretty much skipped over the river part. Because for me and, I suspect, many others in urban/suburban living, rivers are things to find a bridge over rather than things that have any meaning or purpose in and of themselves. Yeh, okay, we get our drinking water from the Cumberland River... I think. Do we?

See? I don't even know where my drinking water comes from. My ancestors who had to settle near water to survive would find it hard to believe that I'm that ignorant about something so important to my survival. Hell, I'm Pagan. I like to think I'm more "in touch" with the natural world than a lot of people. But no, not really. I look at and love the sky, I notice birds and animals, I appreciate the feeling of walking barefoot in the dirt, but still, that's.... recreation. It's not a necessary component of my daily awareness. My daily awareness is so divorced from anything truly necessary to survival that I doubt I could survive on my own. Truly on my own, having to supply my own food and shelter. How many of us could do that? Few, very few. People like me would be Chihuahuas in the wild... dead soon.

So I was reminded that there was a river in Nashville, only because it was in my way. There's something fundamentally disturbing about that.

(and I'm still trying to figure out why there's a Two Rivers Parkway when, for the life of me, I can only find the one river on the map)

List of things that occurred to me much later than they should have

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 04:48:41 GMT

1. Throwing out the underwear with holes in them IS an option.
2. Same for socks.
3. The freezer is good for more than frozen pizza and/or Eggos. If I buy meat but don't cook it all, the freezer will hold it for me until I'm ready to cook the rest.
4. Vacuuming is not a race. The slower I move the vacuum, the better job it does.
5. Buying the little cans of vegetables works much better than buying the bigger cans, only eating half, putting the other half in the fridge, and then forgetting about it for six months.
6. Now that I finally have a washer/dryer, I don't have to run out of clean underwear before doing laundry. I can do one load occasionally rather than making an all-day job of the entirety of my wardrobe.
7. The cat might meow at me accusingly less often if I clean her litter box every day.
8. My cell phone has a camera. I can take pictures of things.
9. A multiple-course meal is not outside the bounds of reason. My dinner does not have to consist entirely of one box of Betty Crocker Potatoes Au Gratin.
10. Since I suck so much at keeping in touch with people, LiveJournal might be a good way of rectifying that.

Quote

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 03:36:03 GMT

"If you got invited to everything that ever happened you'd spend your entire life doing nothing but going to shit!"
-harmonylsc
12/9/09

Southern Hills Medical Center, now with more smart-ass nurses and arrogant doctors

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 21:02:45 GMT

Short story, I had one of my swelling/pain deals yesterday (Sunday). For those who don't know, I've had medical problems in the past involving my lymphatic system on the right side of my head & neck. So, occasional pain/swelling, exact cause unknown. But I know exactly what I need to deal with it: painkillers and anti-inflammatories. Those will get me through it.

I was at the office, and it got so bad that I left and tried to find a walk-in clinic that was open. Sunday, no deal. So I went to the closest emergency room, Southern Hills.

By this time the pain was really really bad... about as painful as the worst of these things has gotten. Tears were coming out of my eyes from the pain, and it takes a lot of pain to do that. Any movement in my mouth was really bad, and swallowing my own spit was almost agonizing.

So, they took me into the ER (I didn't have to wait, which gratified me). Then they start asking me a bunch of questions. Finally I made them give me a pen and paper because sometimes it hurt way too much to talk. I'm telling them the whole time, "Look, I know exactly what's going on here, it's happened before, all I need is a painkiller and an anti-inflammatory. I'll take aspirin for the fever (luckily, fever was not a major component this time, sometimes it has been).

So after the nurse asking my a bunch of questions and me having to write down some of the answers, she came around to the other side of the bed, then asked me about what meds I was on. "I can tell you" I said, meaning I didn't need to write it right now.

Then she said, "I thought you said you couldn't talk." It came out accusatory, and really if you just look at the words, it can definitely be taken as accusatory. I mean, what was the point of even saying it?

"I can talk for now." Then I thought about it, and was like, what the hell, what's up with that? Why would she say that?

"Why did you say that?" I asked. "I mean, what was the point?"

"Well, it's just that you said you couldn't talk."

"I couldn't then and I can now. You sound like you don't believe me. I mean, really, why did you even ask that?"

I don't remember her reply. Whatever.

So a little later she's asking me more questions, and the janitorial lady comes in to change out the garbage bags. That annoyed me, because I felt like it was an invasion of privacy. What really pissed me off was that she kept looking at me. It felt like she was thinking, "Wow, what's wrong with him? He sounds really funny, too." Okay, you may say, I'm projecting. But I really do think it's invasive to have a non-medical person in an emergency room when they're getting treated, *especially* when that person keeps staring at you. Finally I'd had enough, I made a shoo-ing motion and said "You don't have to look at me."

I was in a lot of pain. And even now, I really don't think I reacted too strongly. But then, I was really really pissed, because they wouldn't listen to me and were taking all this information while I was in damn-near screaming pain.

I've become less likely, recently, to let rudeness or poor treatment pass, and I was really unhappy last night and had no patience for anything standing between me and the painkillers that would help get me through this.

All that to say, I decided, a few minutes later, to say something about the janitorial woman coming in. "Y'know, I would suggest that the janitorial staff not come in when there's a patient here."

"Well, this is an emergency room, and I've never seen a time when it wasn't busy. How many emergency rooms have you been in?"

"Quite a few, actually." I imagine it was obvious that I was pissed.

So, that was the smart-ass nurse. Now, I can try to give her the benefit of the doubt, but when you're dealing with someone in severe pain, why get an attitude with them? I mean, really. Cut 'em some slack, you fuckin' moron.

Now, the arrogant doctor.

She wanted to totally understand what was happening with me. She pretty much totally ignored what I was saying about it'd happened before, and here's what I need: painkillers and an anti-inflammatory. She kept asking me questions. She looked in my ear and said, "It's really red, you have an infection." I explained to her that it was really red because my whole right side was swollen. Then she looked down my throat, and asked "I this normal, only being to open this wide?"

"Of course it's not normal, what did I tell you, I've got swelling and extreme pain."

She started feeling my throat, and I said "Don't touch on this spot, it's very painful." Of course, she touched it. "I told you not to touch that."

I'm crying from the pain most of this time, and she's asking questions and talking about how she needs to understand what's going on.

"Look, I am a very rare case, this has happened innumerable times in the past, I told you exactly what I need. I'm not meaning to be blunt, but I just need the stuff to get through this, alright?" I had my head in my hands and was crying from pain at this point. I was seriously considering just getting up and walking out, because this moron wouldn't listen to me. Understand, I've had a number of doctors look at me, listen to what I'm telling them, and agree and give it to me. This person totally disregarded anything I said. That's the worst kind of doctor. Arrogant, the patient doesn't know anything. I came real close to blowing up. I decided to stay rather than walk out, because if I went somewhere else that would make it that much longer that I'd be in the pain I was.

She left and they started an IV of morphine and something else. I'm thinking, ok, morphine isn't my favorite, but at least I'll be feeling way better. Then after awhile I realized that I was hardly feeling any relief at all. Found out later that she had prescribed 2 mg of morphine and 1 mg of that other stuff. Jesus, no wonder I didn't feel anything. They were giving me 12 mg when I had my jaw surgery. Thanks a lot, idiot doctor, for prescribing an itty bitty dose to someone who really really needs a large kick.

At one point, a guy came in and wanted to take an oral temperature. I pointed at my armpit, but he said they'd ordered an oral temp.

"No."

He was taken somewhat aback.

"They ordered an oral temp."

"Dude, no offense at all to you, but I'm in way too much pain to try sticking something in my mouth." Which was true. If I moved anything at all in my mouth (tongue, jaw) the pain jumped about 5 points.

"You don't even wanna try it?"

"Uhhhhhhh, no."

I said repeatedly to him that I wasn't trying to be rude and it wasn't anything against him at all. Even though the nurse and the doctor were really pissing me off, I didn't want to take it out on other people, and for the most part succeeded.

They said they were gonna do a PET scan. I told them, "It's not necessary, I know exactly what's going on and what I need, but sure, if you wanna do it go ahead, I'm not going to refuse it."

So after that, and after lying around quite awhile, the doctor came in.

"You have an abcess in your right jaw, it's very serious, about an inch wide. We're going to transfer you to Centennial because we don't have an ENT, and they're going to drain the abcess."

"No."

"You need to have this taken care of."

"Look, this has happened lots of times before, I've told you what I need. I'm a very rare case, I've only ever met two people in my life that have what I have, and there's no one in Nashville qualified to work on me. I am NOT having an invasive procedure. I just need-"

"Mr. Kopp, your white blood cell count is really high and-"

"Please, let me finish what I was saying, ok? Now, look, I understand that you're a doctor, I respect that. But in this one very very narrow area, I know more than you do. This has happened before, and I know what-"

"You need to have that drained, the radiologist said he'd never seen anything like it."

"Which is what I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU, I'm a rare case and I know what I need. I had the head of ENT at St. Thomas tell me he'd never seen anything like me."

"Well, we need to tranfer you-"

"No."

"Mr. Kopp, you-"

"No, you're not transferring me, and I'm not having an invase procedure." There is a real danger of someone who's not truly *expert* in the area of ENT tumors going in and well and truly fucking me up, even in a "simple" procedure. They could hit something they're not supposed to hit, and the fact that my physiology on that side is radically different from other people's makes that a real possibility.

"Are you refusing care?"

"Yep."

"Well, then, you can sign out against medical advice."

"Ok, are you going to give me what I've been asking for? Painkiller and anti-inflammatory?"

It turns out she did.

I am never never never going back to Southern Hills. I'll drive the extra half-hour in extreme pain to go to Vandy or St. Thomas. I've got a lot of experience with doctors and nurses, and I've *never ever ever* had an experience like this.

Fucknuts.

Paris for pres?

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 04:26:09 GMT

This is a reference/rebuttal/joke about McCain's "Celebrity" ad that compared Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/64ad536a6d

The number of the beast...

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 17:54:33 GMT

I *think* I got some of this (or at least the idea) from something I saw on the internet, but I seem to remember writing most or all of it myself. Dunno.

666 = number of the beast
665 = older brother of the beast
~660 = approximate number of the beast
66600 = zip code of the beast
1/666 = common denominator of the beast
$665.95 = retail price of the beast
$699.25 = Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 = Price of the Beast with all accessories
$656.66 = Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 = Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
DCLXVI = Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 = Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 = Number of the Millibeast
(-666) ^ (1/2) = Imaginary number of the Beast
6.66 e3 = Floating point Beast
1010011010 = Binary of the Beast
1-666 = Area code of the Beast
666mph = The speed limit of the Beast
Phillips 666 = Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 = Way of the Beast
666 F = Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k = Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg = Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % = 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
$666/hr = Beast's lawyer's billing rate
Lotus 6-6-6 = Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 = Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 = CPU of the Beast
665.9997856 = The Number of the Beast on a Pentium
666i = BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) = Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 = Next-door neighbor of the Beast
333 = The semi-Christ

You might be a dog owner if...

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 17:48:02 GMT

'Nother one from a couple years ago.

You might be a dog owner if...

you know how painful it is to stub your toe on a dog bone.

dog hair in your dishes and cups is not only not alarming, but is taken as a matter of course.

you've ever had occasion to say "Don't eat the dead bat!", and mean exactly that.

you know what sniffing around a spot on the carpet presages.

you know what white vinegar is good for.

you can, without even really wanting to, tell when a dog needs to go out based on visual clues.

you automatically tune out the sound of squeak toys while watching TV.

you've ever been woken up by a dog snoring in your ear.

you understand how a cat can be viewed as a self-propelled dog toy.

you know the difference between a happy tail and a hunting tail.

you've ever found yourself pinned in bed by a dog lying on top of the blankets on either side of you.

you can add to this list.

From the past

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 17:43:50 GMT

Looked up a few older things of mine for bardic this past week. I wrote this the first time I took narcotic painkillers after I got sober. My back was totally fucked (original injury when I was 24), and I was in extreme pain. I wrote this as I felt the narcotics start to hit.

Hello again, old friend.
Once more I feel your shadowed touch
your warm embrace
and numbness given with no price asked
but that I should want more.

Need me, you whisper.
Want me more than life or love.
Recline in my embrace
and dream of what remains undone.

I will comfort you, you sigh,
why are you so afraid?
There is nothing that cannot wait awhile.
Why live when you can dream?

No,I say, no more, not again.
You are not my mother's milk,
you are not a woman's touch,
you are just a narcotic dream,
my warm and poison love.

When could I have said no?
When could I have turned you from me,
when was I not infected with you?
When was I innocent of you?
There must have been a time.

Once again this quiet war ensues,
this set-piece battle of corruption and honor
with my always impermanent victory,
from which you retreat in silence, until the next time,
with a backward glance of hollow eyes.

The Impossible Whopper

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 05:51:21 GMT

Okay, so...

I occasionally go to Burger King when I need to eat on the way somewhere. I'm not big on fast food, for several reasons, but when you haven't had dinner and need to be somewhere, the emphasis is more on fast than food.

Not being into fast food, I don't tend to go out of my way to have a variety of fast food experiences. I'll take the burger, fries, and coke, and then I'm on the road. Another consideration is containability. Tacos... not so much. Burritos, better. An Arby's Bacon Cheese & Cheddar... again, not so much. Chicken Nuggets... pretty containable, but with suspect content. Standard burger and fries... as long as you unwrap the burger as you eat it (that part's important), fairly containable.

All this to say, I usually get a Whopper with cheese. I also take them up on their slogan of old, "Have it your way." I go for only onion, only mustard, and only ketchup. Fairly simple, and I mostly had success in ordering, being understood, and getting the correct burger.

But then I decided I wanted more mustard and more ketchup. "Heavy" mustard and "heavy" ketchup, in BK-speak. And I've had maybe a 20% success rate. The problem is the combination of "only" and "heavy," I think. I tried, "Yes, can please have a number one with cheese, only ketchup, only mustard, only onion, with extra ketchup and extra mustard." Rarely worked. Usually I ended up repeating it several times, as they repeated it back to me, incorrectly, several times. Then I tried, "Yes, hi, could I please have a number one with cheese, with only heavy ketchup, only heavy mustard, and onions." That one got me heavy ketchup, heavy mustard, and heavy onions. Whichever way I tried, most of the time I ended up without the heavy ketchup and mustard, or with those and no onions, or with just onions, or any other combination. Pickles, one time.

I thought the problem might be the drive-thru aspect of it. I do much better at enunciating than I used to, but still some people have a hard time understanding me. So I figured going in to the restaurant and ordering in person would take care of that.

Nope. The only thing that changed was that I would get to see the confusion on their face as I tried to explain that yes, I wanted ketchup, and I did also want the onions, and the mustard, and could you make it heavy ketchup and heavy mustard. Or I would make my order, they'd ring it up without question, then give me heavy ketchup, regular mustard, and no onions. A couple times I got one with everything -- ketchup, mustard, onions... lettuce, tomato, pickle, mayonnaise, and whatever else happened to be within reach -- and I imagine the people in the back throwing up their hands and just piling it all on.

It happened again today. I've considered ordering something that is not, apparently, abnormal and hard to understand. But dammit, I like heavy ketchup, heavy mustard, and onions. I'm still trying to understand exactly what it is about this combination that seems to throw everything into confusion.

I'm not knocking fast food employees in any way. It's not them. It's some bad condiment karma or something. It's like the devil's tritone of condiments.

Chicken head

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 01:25:00 GMT

No, really.

Chicken head.

I came home from work today, was walking up the steps to my building, and off to the side in the grass was... a chicken head. I looked at it a bit, saying to myself, "Is that what I think it is?" Yep. It was. I brought the dog out for her walk ("Remember to keep her away from the chicken head," I thought), then afterward came back out with a dishcloth that I was willing to part with. One of my neighbors was out there.

"Have you... er... did you see... uhm... chicken head?" I asked.

"Yeh, some of the Mexicans sacrifice them." He's Hispanic, so I figure he would know.

"Like, seriously?" He kind of equivocated at that point, so I'm not sure he was totally serious. It's not a huge freak-out thing for me, though I think it's unethical and a poor path to spirituality. I dunno. Anyway, he demonstrated how they probably killed it... you grab its head and give it one or two good shakes, and off comes the body. I didn't see any blood around, so I'm thinking they didn't kill the chicken right out there, but somebody killed a chicken for some reason, somewhere in the vicinity. I picked up the chicken head with the cloth and gave it an ignominious interment in the dumpster ("Sorry, chicken," I said as I tossed it).

I've seen a lot of things happen in my neighborhood. This is a new one.

Chicken head. Yeesh.

which of these is not like the other

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 22:55:07 GMT

okay, so my friend delta_bond posted a link to an article about a NASA astronaut named Edgar Mitchell who now claims that aliens have visited the earth (wouldn't surprise me a bit, either). So you know those hover-things that come up when you, well, hover your mouse over a link? Here's what came up:

Like I said, which of these things is not like the other?

the internet is weird.

For my next trick

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 00:13:12 GMT

I used to drink tequila and mescal. I ate the worm a number of times. I'd heard it was supposed to be hallucinogenic. Never did anything for me except kick in my gag reflex if I wasn't careful. Annoyed me terribly at the time (the lack of hallucinations, not the gag reflex).

This being the backstory to a question that just occurred to me. If you ate a bookworm, what visions would you have?

Too bad I can't make this my screensaver at work

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Mon, 03 Jul 2006 15:59:33 GMT

... 'cause it's fuckin' hilarious.

Maybe this'll help

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Fri, 30 Jun 2006 05:04:28 GMT

I'm getting about a 3 in 5 success rate for people actually understanding the "I [ketchup] Cats" sticker. So I'm inaugurating a new, slightly more self-explanatory line:

For those of indiscriminate taste

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Wed, 28 Jun 2006 04:58:07 GMT

This seems the most, er, fair. Thanks to owl_tn [edit: and wintermoon3 also, sorry I missed ya the first time =) ], btw, for the promised sale = ) ... it's looking like I'm going to go on CafePress. It's easy, if nothing else. I need a little more research, and ought to actually buy a domain name so I can have my own site for fun & games, as well as to get crawled so I get into search engines.

Anyway.

Now the question is tartar sauce or cocktail sauce?

Hmmm. I [tartar sauce] [christian fish] ... another bumper sticker....

The FSM was just made for a bumper sticker like this....

Got a few others in mind too. Like, this (roughly):

...which will have the center cut out so you can have whatever you want for dinner on your bumper. Ford, Chevy, or Nissan, even.

At one point I seriously thought about making little Darwin-Fish feet so aspiring soldiers in the so-called culture war could go around sticking them on christian bumper fish. Can't quite bring myself to condone such an act, though. But damn if it isn't tempting when someone sporting a fish cuts me off, honks at me, or flips me the bird in traffic.

Something to offend everyone

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Tue, 27 Jun 2006 03:49:29 GMT

Now, to my Christian friends and my Darwinian friends (and recognizing that the two are not mutually exclusive, to most people), let me make clear that these graphics are about the (over)usage of symbols vs. the (under)usage of critical thought and actual discussion.

That being said, the latest additions to my (ahem, copyrighted) bumper decoration collection:

and

Note the loving detail of actual fish forks and fish knives.

My new future bumper sticker

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Sat, 10 Jun 2006 13:55:44 GMT

I thought of this several years ago. Just decided to make it last night. I'm gonna try to have it mass-produced and sell it. Oh, yeh... as of now it's copyrighted =)~~

Pills, how ironic

thomaswoof@gmail.com — Mon, 01 May 2006 03:46:30 GMT

... and even more ironic is the result:


	Thomas Pills: Will cause religious reprogramming (in chemical form)
	'What effect do you have on people?' at QuizGalaxy.com

cribbed from LadyBugAdria, she of the Black Adder quotes and pants-peeingly funny icons =)~~